Baby Mirage Morosi-Khalifa

THE BEST I EVER HAD - Baby Mirage born at 22 weeks gestation, the night of 5/4/07 at 4 am and died after 40 minutes in my arms. He has a brother, Guido, 4 yo, who was thrilled to meet him and hold him in his arms. His little face was just like his dad, we couldnt believe when we saw him! Mummy holded Mirage in her arms until she could. After 20 hours you started to go dark. I holded you in my arms my baby the BEST feeling in the world!! I thought I could do miracles with my love for you. I thought my love was so strong, it would keep you alive for us. The hardest thing I ever did was to let you go. ..

Mummy wrote this poem for his little angel.

Baby Mirage

Tonight I saw an angel
The tiniest angel of all
My baby angel is peaceful
He doesn’t want to cry
His heart is beating slowly
Translucent skin and eyes
His veins revealing life
The finest work of art

Baby, are you there?
Baby, I implore you
Will you be there for me?

They say your eyes are closed
But I swear you look at me
They say you breath no more
But I swear you exhale my air

I touch your hands and pray
Which God can save me now?

Tonight I met an angel
He blessed me with his life

They say you’re dead, my soul
But I know these are all lies!
Mummy will never leave you
And so you’ll never die...




Goodbye to My Son Mirage (from daddy)

My first glimpse at you could not believe how identical you were like me. You were so peaceful so beautiful like an angel. When I held you in my arms seeing the life in you, I felt your heart beating I could not believe it, this was by far the happiest moment of my life.
I and your mother sharing this magical moment only then my world came crushing down on me when you heart stop beating and you began to go cold. The pain and emptiness of this trauma overwhelmed me knowing I just lost you.
The lost of you my son is very difficult to manage, not a second goes by where I stop thinking about you. All I wanted was to hear you cry, feed you, change your nappy, see you walk, hear you talk above all to have you with in my arms so I can just look at you and admire you. I miss you so much and wish you were with me now, I would anything to have you back.
My son you may only have spent a short while with your father BUT you have left a footprint on my heart. The MAGIC memories of you my angel I shall cherish for an eternity.
Daddy loves you and always will. Now I shall let you rest in peace and play heaven.
I look forward for the day where we shall meet again.
YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MY SON!



We called you Mirage...

Just like a mirage in the desert
You make our eyes blurring in disbelief
Before our last tear drops on your face
We want to thank you for being here
So ever so adorable angel
Thanks for blessing us with your life


12 April 2007

My darling baby Mirage,

This letter is from your mummy to let you know how much I love you and how much I wanted you to be part of my life.

This is your story: I want to be able to remember every bit of it.

When you and your father first discovered I was pregnant in November 2006 the feeling overwhelmed both of us. Your father was over the moon and I was mixed with excitement and fear.
I dreaded to loose you from the first very moment as the nightmare of my ectopic pregnancy back in March was all too recent, where I lost previous baby at only 8 weeks gestation and being left with only one fallopian tube. Before the test, I doubted I would ever get to be a mother again, and now I was glad you were there inside me but petrified of loosing you for another ectopic or something wrong that could happen. I did swear to be extra careful with everything, taking easy and watch any sign of wrong going. After one month there was a strong fear that I would had another miscarriage, so I‘ve gone through constant checks with scan at the antenatal clinic. The first scan at least proved that your little cell has passed the tube without trouble, and it was safely implanted into the uterus, but they detected from the start (7 weeks) a separation between your sweet embryo and the walls of the womb. This was cause for concern and they arrange another scan to check on your progress at the 9th week. I spent all Christmas down in Rome with my family. I was often in pain and always very tired and worry. The doctors asked me to take it easy and so I did very little and rest as much as possible. I did not want to do anything that could upset you, I keep repeating myself “if I take good care nothing wrong will happen to my baby”. But the nightmare was there in my head every day and every night, I was so scared to loose you! At the same time the hormones were going wild and giving me ups and downs very difficult to manage. I was feeling very wary and edgy most of the time. I assumed it was just a temporary effect of early pregnancy, but your daddy was having troubles to understand my feelings and started to get really stressed by my mood swings.

Then I came back from Rome and had another scan, which confirmed that the separation has closed and there was not reason to worry any longer. I remember how happy and relieved I felt that day. I thought I could scream from the joy, I want to jump as high as I could and then realised I wouldn’t do that for fear of causing you any harm. All my dreams were coming true, my baby was going to be safe. I was so optimistic after that point, I thought nothing wrong would happen, I would make sure nothing wrong would EVER happen to you!

But there it comes another period of intense shock for all of us. Your daddy realised he was not well, his health started deteriorating quickly and doctors diagnosis were not promising. He was awful to see all his enthusiasm gone away, he was so worried about not being able to support us in the way he wanted.

I had to go visit some friends in Dublin, breath fresh air and think straight. The more I tried to push myself to being realistic and worry about what it would happen if daddy got worse with his illness, the more I was completely emotional and wanted you WITH ALL MY HEART AND BONES.
I thought “it doesn’t matter what happen to daddy, it doesn’t matter if I will be on my own, nothing matter because I will have my beautiful baby after all in my arms and if I’ll be able to cuddle him in my arms then nothing can be a problem and everything will be just perfect". I was somehow living the dream. The amazing gobsmacking dream of having YOU. My mind was just into that, every minute, every second of my existence dedicated to my little bean inside.

I just wanted you so badly baby! I never wanted anything so strongly in my life, it was like re-living my pregnancy with Guido, but this time there were no doubts: I already know how it feels to be a mother. I would had you no matter what, I would had gone through this and be the happiest mummy on heart the day I will see you and hold you in my arms.

At 17 weeks we arranged another scan privately as we couldn’t wait the 17 of April (date arranged by NHS) to know your sex.: we discovered that day that you were a boy, I was so longing for a girl just before the scan and now that I realised you were a boy there was not one bit of disappointment in my heart. Another boy, another beautiful cheeky boy, I felt the bond ever so strong at that point, you were materialising even more, I started to imagine everything about you, started to fantasise about all your features and your personality and the things we would do together and anticipating the feeling of your gentle lips on my breast and your first smile and your first glimpse of the sun and…everything!!
Your brother Guido was so excited at the idea of having a little companion for life.

At the 18 week -what an amazing moment- I felt you first kicking inside my tummy: finally we were all so connected, your dancing inside my belly was such a sweet company and get me through each day so joyful!! I can remember feeling so powerful, the thought of having you there was like a drug, I kept stroking my belly all the time.

At the 19 week I started to feel worrying contractions. My uterus was contracting regularly and I kept thinking I didn’t have to worry, I could feel you moving around anyway. One day I wake up and went to the toilet, I felt wet and watch with my horror that I was bleeding quite a lot. The contractions were only 2 minutes a part and I started to panic a bit. I called your daddy and we booked to see the GP urgently. The doctor sent us to the labour ward at the hospital. From the analysis everything seems ok but contractions were too close and regular, although I was not in pain yet, they asked me to stay in labour ward for a while, they gave me pain killer. At one point the contractions were stronger and I was really panicking, as the midwife kept telling me I was likely to loose the baby. There was nothing they could do to stop the labour. I tried to calm myself down, I thought I could stop it happen with the power of my mind. I start to sing a lullaby and it magically works, after a while singing they just decided to stop. The next day I want to be out of hospital after feeling better, doctors prescribed rest for about two weeks.

At home I started to read everything I could about preventing preterm labour and I was aware of so many successful stories of women going through the same risk and then have a perfect in time 37+ week delivery with their babies perfectly healthy. My head was full of optimism. I kept my hope so high and fight a bit more every day with the fear of loosing you.
After 12 days of relative bed rest with tiredness and contractions constantly there I had finally the impression of being in labour, with a strong pelvic pressure and all the signs I can remember from my previous labour. I didn’t want to panic but when contractions started to be at one minute a part we decided to call the ambulance. It was about 9.30 pm, the ambulance arrived quickly and they brought me to the labour ward again. At that point I was really scared, but the doctor and nurses didn’t seem too worry, so I guess I was just praying with all my heart that everything was going to be ok and I would be home soon with my little baby dancing inside my tummy. They decided to let me stay there in observation all night after they gave me a pain killer and take blood and urine sample. I can remember the minutes of this night going so slowly as I was unable to sleep and I had a contraction every single minute for at least 7 hours. I kept looking at your daddy’s watch and counting the seconds one after one, with the worry playing on my mind over and over. But I kept repeating “I won’t loose you my baby, I won’t loose you for sure”. The fact that contractions were regular but not painful caused the illusion in my head that everything was just a false labour and nothing else. I fooled myself with it completely.

In the morning I tried to catch up with some sleep being completely wrecked, I noticed that the contractions were more a part and loosing power. The doctors didn’t notice anything wrong in my sample, they suggest me to stay another day. They moved me to ward 31 in a single room. The morning after one of the lady doctors who most inspired me reassured about the events, explaining that in most cases everything goes without problem. She just suggest to rest as much as possible. She didn’t think I would go in preterm labour for some reason. Too optimistic, too much rubbish and very simple talk. In reality they don’t know what happening and they don’t find explanation for the contractions. Now I know it would had helped if they advised me not to leave the hospital and to remain there calm another day. I asked to be discharged.

I’ve been back home just that afternoon. Me and your daddy made love as soon as back home, this is another thing I can’t forgive myself for. I should had waited and consider it very risky. I could hold on to the desire thinking of my little baby but I didn’t and I feel horrible about it. Also I had a speculum and me and daddy kept checking the cervix dilatation because I had this feeling of being dilated and want reassurance. Maybe with speculum we caused more contractions and we induced the labour?

Then your daddy went to pick up Guido at the nursery we had some dinner and watched The Apprentice together. I started to be too enthusiastic about the program, the contractions started to kick in, they were this time really strong and I was in real pain. Your daddy called the hospital and they suggested him to bring me to labour ward again. After getting to the hospital I remember the doctors saying that I was not having strong contractions and that my tummy was too soft. They more or less assumed that it was another false alarm; they didn’t look clued up at all about what to do and what to watch for. I asked them if I could go back home and sleep in my house as the staff looked clueless about what was going on. They made a phone call and realised I will have to sleep there. They decided to bring me to ward 31 in a room on my own again. After what it seems an hour of strong contractions I started to bleed and advised the nurse. At that point everything blur, the memory get confused and I assumed I must had been in real panic, with increasing pain and contractions. I only remember the fear horrid absurd fear of loosing you. I felt a strong need to push and look at all the blood that was coming. I felt devastated, I realised my body was pushing you out of me without my consent.

When I saw you the first time I could not believe my luck. You were alive and just so peaceful, without a scream, without a crying, I could see your tiny heart beating from your chest. I felt overwhelmed with love, I wanted to care for you, I want to believe you were going to be alive in my arms for ever. I kept holding you and looking at your tiny features. What a beautiful angel. The drug they gave me made everything unreal. I don’t know how long I kept thinking you were alive and well. I did hold you in my arms all day, I felt exhausted and only wanted to rest with my baby beside me. Your daddy kept saying “he looks just like me”, he was crying. Then at one point your daddy told me that you were not alive and I thought he was not well or not realising what was going on. You were a miracle and survived; I could see you and hear you breathing. You were just sleeping so peacefully. The illusion was all too real, I didn’t want to hear anything, I was afraid of what people could tell, I was afraid they were right and you weren’t alive. I gave you my breast and saw you sucking a bit, I decided to stop listening to what people was saying and believe in you. I started to get angry towards everybody, because they kept asking if I wanted professional picture of you. I thought it was too early for it, as we would had all your life ahead to do pictures and we only needed a bit of rest and peace for the moment. Now I only regret terribly not having a professional picture or a video of my sweet boy while you were alive and in my arms. But I was in this illusion for a while, I couldn’t realise what was happening. Then suddenly your father started to repeat the same thing over and over , he was looking in my eyes, swearing: “if you don’t believe other people, would you believe me? I would not lie to you. I am his daddy and I am telling you, Mirage is not alive anymore. You must look at him and face the truth”, your daddy was crying. At one point I really looked at him, his face was so sad and desperate I had to question what was happening. Why is your daddy so sad?
I even had the paranoia that hospital staff was organising a plot to steal you from me, making me believe that you were dead. I had a plan of getting you out the hospital without being seen. But your daddy eventually convinced me and I faced the truth. From that point I only cried and cried and kept looking at you, dreading the moment they would ask me to leave you there. I wanted to bring you home with me. I wanted to look at you all night. I promised them I would have put you in a freezer to conserve you well until the funeral but they didn’t let me. Everything is just like a nightmare. I miss you with all my heart and bones, I want you inside me again and I find this emptiness unbearable now. I am trying to accept what happened to us. I am trying to accept that you won’t be here sharing your life with mummy and have lot of fun and bubbles together. I am trying with all my strength to go ahead and think you’ll be all right. After all, my baby, I can say that you never suffered and this is enough to lift my spirit. I want to believe now you here with us. I want to believe you will be always with us. Of course you are a little angel now, you won’t need any nappy, you won’t need your mummy so badly, you will have lot of friends to give you company. Please try to look after your brother, I am so afraid to loose him at this point. Because I lost you, I feel like I could loose anything.
Sweet angel, mummy will always love you. Remember this. Remember us. My shining tiny sweet adorable angel, I’ll miss you so very much.
Sleep tight Mirage. Mummy will never leave you. I ‘m still holding you in my heart darling baby, until the end of time.


Your Mummy


Wednesday 23 may 2007

Everyday I take a moment to look at your beautiful pictures; the more I look at you more I want you to be with me. I thought as time goes by the pain and suffering would get easier, but I feel the opposite I need you more and more each day. I reflect each night on what I missed out with you. I would have loved to play with you, kiss you, hear you talk your first few words, see you walk, overall to share my life with you. I know this would have been magic.
Now to you have gone I feel so empty, the only thing that keeps me going that where ever you are now, you are happy and resting in peace.

your Daddy